Butterflies

Image from Google Images.  www.brothersoft.com

I lost my job this year and although many might see this as a serious set back, I feel like it has led me to explore other opportunities as well as spend quality time with my family. As a lot of people in panic do when they first are unemployed, I enrolled in school....an expensive school. I was thrown into a program that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be in but my thinking was, "I know insurance so I should stick with the health care related field." I think this was a mistake for me because I was simply settling and not doing something that I really enjoyed. Needless to say, I struggled with the idea of being trapped in a horrible career and owing thousands of dollars for an education that I wasn't sure was actually educating me. I have since dropped out. 

I do have an idea of something I would like to do with my life, though. I have loved reading and writing ever since I could and I still love it. I have been writing while I am staying at home but I have a serious problem. That problem is sticking with an idea. I will get this "great" idea and run with it and then lose focus and stall. Then another "great" idea will come along and the writing process begins again. I do think this has moved me to find a type of writing that really flows for me. I always knew I wanted to write for young adults. And there is enough teenage sci-fi stuff out there to hold everyone over. So I finally decided to write about a character that I know. Not literally a person that I know but parts of people that I know. The story is fiction but the life she leads is an image I see reflecting many teenagers in this day and time. I hope that it will be raw and emotional and inspiring to anyone.

The story I am writing is about a seventeen year old girl who takes care of her drug dependant mother. When her mother passes, she feels like the world around her doesn't care and this sparks a rebellion inside. Without a father, she is forced to move to another city with her aunt. The girl finds friendship in some people that some would label as trouble. When the girl gets into some serious and life threatening situations, she is asked to step back and take a look at the direction her life is going and the influences around her. 

Im naming the book, Butterflies because it tells of the transition of a young girl into a mature adult. In a conversation to a friend at school, the girl says this: 

"Butterflies are confident in their own beauty. They are determined and impressive yet delicate. I can't be anything positive in this life I have now. I'm ready to transform into someone lively and free."

Money :(

I hate money...or I love it. I don't know which. 

Before Michael and I got married, we agreed that money can destroy a relationship (based on our own experience) so we made a deal that we wouldn't fight over money. But how can you keep the peace when it comes to something that is constantly hanging over your head? 

It's no secret that we aren't rich. We are barely even getting by! Once my bills are paid, if I pay them on time, I'm completely broke and I have to depend on Michael to provide extra money for our family. This was a great idea to me at first but I'm having a problem with the whole "our money" thing. I'm independent by nature and having to ask for money is about as humiliating as walking naked in public. He always insists that, since we are married now, its mine too and he wants to contribute. Torture. It's absolute torture. 

Another thing I hate about money is just not being able to give Hannah everything I want for her. We are always on the look out for anything free to do around town because mom and Michael are just too broke. I have no idea what I'm going to do when shes older and actually wants expensive things...and gets into expensive after school activities. Furthermore, I want her to go to a private school just to give her every opportunity I possibly can...but without tuition assistance, that's not a reality. I hate having to give other my people the money I work for instead of giving it to the most important girl in my life. I can't even pay all the people I owe money to which depresses me even more. 

I know this is the same ol' story told by everyone and I think its sad. I want to teach Hannah to manage money better...to invest...to save....to get a good education so she can get a good job.....to pay her bills on time, every time. Starting now! We have started a chore chart for Hannah. We pay her 25 cents for each chore she completes each week. Then we put it away and tell her to save it for something big, like Disney World. I hope she will learn the value of the money shes earned and will think twice before spending it away.

If you're happy and you know it...

Being separated from Hannah's dad creates alot of parenting challenges for me. Things have improved as we all learn to keep a healthy balance but one thing I think about is whether she is happier with me or her dad. It may seem petty and juvenile but I cant help but feel competitive with her dad. I mean, is it so bad that I want her to looooove being with mom the most!? 

This past weekend, Hannah found one of her dad's old shirts at my house when we were cleaning. It must've struck an emotional chord with her because she got teary eyed and instantly wanted to call him. So of course, we called him but he didn't answer. Well this just about broke her heart. She just held me and cried. When he finally called back, she was happy to talk to him but it was obvious she just wanted to be with him. 

This brought up these questions, Does she do the same thing with him when I'm not there? Does she miss me at all? Is she truly happy with me?

Michael and I make a huge effort to always play with Hannah and go out into the world and try new and fun things. It seems that when Hannah is with her dad, they just stay home and do day to day tasks. So I have trouble understanding what it is about being with him that she yearns for so much. Maybe its just a father, daughter bond that I wont be able to match. I do remember always loving spending time with my dad as much as I could. 

In conclusion, maybe I will have a son next and he will prefer me since they tend to be mamas boys......

Just joking.

A learning experience

I've only been a mom for 3 1/2 years now and I'm learning every day. I have more questions than answers and so many concerns that it's a wonder I sleep at night. I hope I'm not the only mom who constantly wonders, "Have I screwed my kid up permanently?" 

One thing that I do know about myself, though, is that I have an unconditional love for my child and I knew I would long before she was born. So how is it that there are soooo many mothers out there that don't deserve the title? I cant comprehend leaving someone else to do your most important job of your life. My mom was one of those who couldn't handle the job. Yet, she went on to mother many other children who's stories I don't know. I have since made attempts to get to know her and she has done the same.

This isn't bad news for me though. I learned from her and I hope that other people who share situations like mine realize that they can make the best of it all. I know what kind of mother I want to be now and more importantly, the mother I don't want to be. Shes not my only influence too.I have a dad who has raised me and given me alot of good values. Hes perfectly imperfect and I think he did a great job. I also have two wonderful aunts who have showed me what real love and mothering is like. They are both vastly different but the same in their involvement with their family. I look up to them so much.

The real reason I'm posting this is because I cant believe the disrespect that I see in kids anymore. I would hope that if a kid has lots of love and support in their lives, they would show respect. Is it the kids fault? Or is it the parents? I have alot of kids in my family that Id like to get through to...but its not my job. More importantly, what do I do to teach Hannah that we never mistreat people and we do whatever we can to help our family? This is something I struggle with and I think its important to tackle it now but like I said, I barely know what I'm doing!